“Grasshopper: A Haiku”
Through the tall, thin grass
A grasshopper leaps with glee.
Birds can be sneaky.haiku by Struan McCallum
art by Lisa Manuzak
Posted 1 day ago
1 note
“Egg”
Day 33- It has been over a month now that I have been trapped in this cell. There is no room to stand up or lie down so I am forced to remain in this cramped position with my knees around my ears. I have decided to keep this journal now to keep my mind active or I am likely to go insane. I have tried to be strong but with each passing day it grows more difficult.
Day 34- I feel as though there is a weight upon me all the time. As though the universe itself were sitting on me. I have tried to make contact with my neighbours but there has been no answer. Either I am alone or they have given up all hope. I do not know which I fear most.
Day 35- I have begun to feel restless of late and I can swear my cell is growing smaller. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. Perhaps it is time for a do or die escape? Death could not be worse than this solitude.
Day 36- Success! I have freed myself from solitary! It turned out I had neighbours after all and, unbeknownst to any of us, we all attempted escape on the same day. We are now housed in a more open yard with a large gaoler who insists on vomiting into our mouths. I can see the world on the other side of the fence. Little does this gaoler know that her attempts at belittling us are, in fact, making us stronger. Soon we will escape this new prison and be free from all confinement. We will soar!
story by Struan McCallum
art by Lisa Manuzak
“Olive”
“And so I said to the guy, ‘You’d be crazy not to go for this deal’. He ended up shaking my hand and walking away with a beaut new Ferrari,” said Gary. “Hey, love, I’ll have a dry martini and my friend will have the same.”
Gary is your classic alpha male, slimy salesman. He wears gold rings on his fingers, his hair is in a perpetual state of greasy slickness and his pencil thin moustache gives all who meet him the unquenchable urge to take a scalding hot shower.
“I’m surprised anyone can bear to touch that ham fist of yours,” Peter, Gary’s colleague at the dealership, thought to himself. He said, however, “Gary, mate, how do you do it? I have never met anyone who can sell a car like you can.”
“It’s all in the body language, buddy. I pat their shoulder, keep my body open to them and follow their physical queues. It’s as simple as taking a dump when the customers are rich kids with more money than sense.” Gary always liked to boast loudly so that even strangers couldn’t help knowing how amazing he was.
“Just the thought of him touching my shoulder makes me sick,” thought Peter, “I hope he chokes on that martini when it gets here.”
“Finally, I see our drinks coming our way. Mm-mm that waitress is a tasty piece. I bet you a thousand bucks I’ll be banging her tonight.”
“Haha, you’re on, mate,” said Peter. “You’re the most chauvinistic pig bastard I’ve ever met and I wouldn’t be surprised if she dumps that martini all over you.”
“Here are your martinis gentlemen.”
“Thanks, love, say why don’t you sit down for a minute and… OH MY GOD! WHAT THE F*** IS THAT THING IN MY DRINK!”story by Struan McCallum
art by Lisa Manuzak
Posted 1 week ago
1 note
“Tonic”
Step right up! Step right up! I’ve got all the latest tonics for your everyday needs! Missing a little flavour in your life? Do you float through life oblivious of the many situations full of caustic hilarity? Then try our Ironic Tonic and open your eyes to the stupidity of the people around you. Or perhaps the Sardonic Tonic for those who want to openly mock those stupid people. If you’d like to learn a new language, try our Ebonic Tonic! You’ll be talking like thizzle in no time.
If it’s large weeping sores that are more your taste then try our Bubonic Tonic, it’s deadly! You will almost certainly die in a horrible, horrible way. But hey, I’m not here to judge. To each their own.
On a lighter point perhaps try our Demonic Tonic, for those with a darker side. Let your inner devil run free and cause the kind of mayhem your pathetic regular self barely dreams of! Who knows, you may find yourself waking up in a church after a night of debauchery with no recollection of the night’s events and have to piece together what you’ve done by following the trail of destruction half way across the country! And if that’s your idea of fun then buy my Tonic!
story by Struan McCallum
art by Lisa Manuzak
Posted 1 week ago
2 notes
“Store”
I think my sister had the right idea, she just executed it poorly. My poor late sister, that is. I mean, come on, a ginger bread house in the middle of the forest! A) how many children does she think wander deep into the forest, and B) The only children that do get that far are obviously much hardier than you want. What you want is a nice soft, fat city child spoiled by their parents and always demanding more sweets. So I set up a candy shop in town. There is always a constant flow of chunky Charlies and large Lassies. Of course, I don’t eat them all. I would be out of business and burning on a stake right quick if everyone who entered my shop never came out. But let us just say that I’m living comfortably. Hehe, oh yes, quite comfortably.
DING-A-LING
Oh, will you excuse me? It would appear I have another delicious little morsel in my shop…
story by Struan McCallum
art by Lisa Manuzak
Posted 1 week ago
1 note
“Tusk”
George was welcomed into the club of Guinness World Record holders with open arm. Well, considering his tusks poked out more than his body length ahead of him, it was particularly hard to welcome him with open arms, but the feeling was there. He had always wanted this moment since he first knew that Guinness rewarded world record holders. He spend days trying to work out what he could do better than anybody else in existence. He tried balancing on two feet, but all the animals who walked on two legs had a major advantage. He tried catching arrows, but all he got from that was a trunk full of arrows and a few scars. Finally, he landed on the best option. Who can grow tusks better than him? Sure there are those who say that growing tusks is just a natural bodily function. And seriously, anybody could beat his record given enough time and determination, but sucks to them. He is here in the hallowed halls of Guinness meeting all the current record holders who could be bothered coming to his inauguration ceremony. Whether he has the record for a year or ten years or fifty, nothing will take this moment away from him. He just hopes the weight of his tusks doesn’t snap his skull in half sometime in the near future.
story by Struan McCallum
art by Lisa Manuzak
“Geminate”
This is the prize for a lovely friend on DeviantArt who guessed all the bird species in Part 1 of my Hawaiian birds series! She requested either a scarlet macaw or a red-and-green macaw, but since I couldn’t decide which was more beautiful, I did both.
“Sword”
“Sir, I take offence in your manner. Your conduct disgraces yourself and your family and frankly I am shocked that you would say those things with ladies present.”
“Might I speak in my defence…”
SLAP! “No you may not. We will let our weapons speak for us when you give me satisfaction.”
“And if I don’t consent to give you satisfaction?”
“You will Sir, or all those present will know you to be a blackguard and a coward. Choose your weapon and we will see who is in the right of the situation.”
“Sir, I must protest! You have the wrong man, I know nothing of what you speak, in fact I was not present at the dinner in which you claim I acted so grievously.”
“Ah you deny it! You truly are the lowest form of life. You all see how he tries to dodge his responsibilities, how he refuses to accept the consequences?”
“All right, Sir. I will give you your satisfaction. And in the process I will have mine.”
“Then choose your weapon, Sir. I will have my second tell yours where and when we will meet.”
“I choose swords, Sir, and you will regret this decision. Though not for long.”
story by Struan McCallum
art by Lisa Manuzak
“Curtain”
“Oooooh myyyy Gooooood! Heeeelp! I’m out of control!”
“Glen! Hold on. What happened to your anchor rope. You know you must be fastened at all times in this kind of weather. That is Curtain Hanging 101.”
“I really don’t need a lecture right now, Tim. I have a few more pressing matters to deal with than listen to your smug ‘I-told-you-so’s’. What am I going to do?”
“Beats me, I’ve never been in this situation. Quite frankly I always keep my safety rope secured tightly to avoid this very situation. You see, I’m a responsible hanger…”
“Oh, shut up you conceited drape! If you’re not going to help me then I might just fly off the handle!”
“It looks like you’ll be flying off the handle whether you like it or not.”
“Baaaastaaaaard!”
story by Struan McCallum
art by Lisa Manuzak
Posted 2 weeks ago
4 notes
“Hook”
Frankie the Fish had always been different. As a child, his parents were always concerned he would grow up to be a little strange. Unfortunately for Frankie their fears were well founded.
It wasn’t the sleek lines and healthy fins of girly fish that got Frankie’s heart racing. He preferred the shiny metallic gleam and sharp danger of a fisherman’s hook. Just the merest glimpse of one would send him rigid with excitement. There are those who call him crazy, that one day he’ll be killed by the very thing he loves, but he doesn’t care. In Frankie’s opinion what’s the point of life if you don’t go after the thing you love. And today is going to be the day he gets it. He is going to take this perfect example of his steel love and have his way with it and be damned to the consequences!
story by Struan McCallum
art by Lisa Manuzak
Hey guys! My boyfriend and I have started another blog (yes, another creative thing that we do besides our webcomic) and it’s pretty fun so far! I do a daily drawing and he writes a little story for it. Please check it out and follow if you like!
Posted 2 weeks ago
1 note
It’s pretty hard to draw Yoda doing a thumbs up considering he only has 3 fingers…
Last one.
